Together, We Learn and Grow
Last night, my 11-month-old fell asleep with her cheek on my chest. I admired her long lashes, pouty lips, and soft breaths. These days, she’s into everything – almost walking, too. But for a second, I felt like she was a newborn again.
I had a brief moment of longing, of missing those early days of parenthood.
Whoa. The nostalgia surprised me.
I didn’t exactly thrive as a newborn mom. OK, fine. I floundered. Anxiety consumed me. I’m sure fluctuating hormones and chemicals were the root. But I blamed not being able to hold her until hours after she was born. ( She’d breathed in meconium, which I now know happens. But when she was taken to the NICU, I crumbled.)
I felt like I’d fallen behind as a mom before I even touched her. Then when she was in my arms, I was already playing catchup. My body reacted as it would in any chase. My heart raced, my head spun, my chest tightened. Then, postpartum recovery, nightmares and new-mom worries piled on. I trembled with adrenaline at any task, even the ones they teach in Baby Care 101.
It was worse when we were alone. I dreaded mornings because it meant my husband had to go to work. For hours, I’d pace and watch the clock or call my mom just to feel like someone was there. I can’t breathe, I’d say. I’m going to faint, I was sure. Then, the door would open, and my airways would, too – like magic.
I was ashamed. I knew what kind of mom I wanted to be. But this wasn’t it. Still, I couldn’t fight it off.
When weeks turned into months, I knew it was more than the baby blues and contacted my doctor. You know the rest.
I share all of this to give hope to someone who’s there today. With help and time, you’ll get better. And motherhood will become everything you dreamed and more. Look at me now: I wipe milk mustaches on shirt sleeves and pick boogers with bare hands – and do it all with love and adoration bursting from every seam! I watch myself, and I think, Who’s that mother? There are still days I can’t believe that mother is ME.
“You’ll know what to do right away,” everyone says as your due date approaches.
That wasn’t true for me. When my daughter was born, part of me was, too. And together, we learn and grow.
